The Courtesans and The Voyeur
Part II
Index
05. The Craufurd Arms, Milton Keynes, 25th April 2015
06. The Lexington, London, 02nd May 2015
07. The Half Moon, Bishop Stortford, 30th May 2015
08. The Iron Road,
Evesham, 31st October 2015
09. The Box, Crewe, 14st November 2015
To be continued…
Saturday 25 April 2015
The Courtesans, The Treatment (The Mark Skids)
The Craufurd Arms, Milton Keynes
WARNING!
1917 contains earworms… Ingredients include melodies so
sweet and sugary you’ll feel the need to floss and emotions so dark you’ll have
to sleep with the light on…
Side effects may lead to excessive grinning and the
inability to remove the CD from your stereo.
What a day, up at 3am and off to Burton for a conference on
Anti - Kidnapping, Anti - Hi Jacking and Anti -Terrorism. Once that was over it
was down to Bescot for an Anti - Entertainment game of football, we beat Oldham
2-0 in the last home game of the season. Once that was over it was down to the
Craufurd Arms, Milton Keynes for an Aunty…
Again, either by hook or by crook The Courtesans had pulled
a support band out of the bag that were stunning, but I smelt a rat, this band
were far too good to be playing here and supporting The Courtesans and I mean
that in a positive way. The band were The Treatment who for whatever reason had
called themselves “The Mark Skids”. I later found out that it was The
Treatment’s first gig with a new singer, which explained the name “The Mark
Skids”. Turns out that I’d seen The Treatment support Status Quo on their last
tour in March 2014.
Not that I needed to be sneaky, I just chose to be, so be
sneaky I was and strange as it might sound I did managed to avoid bumping into
any of the band.
However, I did speak to Howard and told him my theory about
bands who get out there and tour properly and how impressed I was with what
they were doing. Howard told me and the band later confirmed that, “Aberdeen
was fucking mental…” and the band were already looking forward to going back.
I stood in the middle of the room. The band walked on, the
intro to Scream started and I just stood back and watched it all unfold.
The last time I’d seen them play was on the opening day of
the season while today meant that there was only one week left, a whole
football season had passed between us and in that time they had just got better
and better and better, which is more than I can say for Walsall FC.
The sound was great. They looked great. The audience started
to get into it and I decided that it was time to move down to the front, I’d
seen and heard all I wanted to. I worked my way through the crowd and got to
the stage and I crouched in front of Agnes on stage right just for a change.
As I watched, Agnes, Saff and Sinead made moves towards the
crowd and the crowd backed off. Agnes and Saff, being Agnes and Saff, just
stepped off the stage. The blokes down the front scattered. God it was so
funny. They couldn’t shift quickly enough. Good on them, they called their bluff
and they bottled it…
A few songs later and Agnes spotted me and she smiled as did
Saff and Victoria when they saw me. I just smiled back and continued to enjoy
the noise they were making. Then it happened. Sinead spotted me. Originally she
was facing the drums, she turned to her left, looked at the crowd and straight
at me, while I was still crouched in front of Agnes taking photos. Sinead was
still in the middle of singing when she spotted me and she sort of went,
“AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!! NOGGIN IT’S YOU!!!!!!!”, you know when you
see your mates on a night on the piss and you go over the top and run towards
each other before hugging like loony’s… I promise you that’s what she did. In
the middle of the gig, while still singing, she rushed towards me and knelt
down, gave me a big hug and kind of ruffled my hair while doing that MAFIA
head/hand clasp thing and she never missed a vocal... WOW!
And what she whispered in my ear stays between me and
Sinead… Well I say whispered, screamed more like… It was loud and she was
excited… what can I say… I have that effect on women…
And for all the guys down the front that gave me the
daggers, well you had your chance… Bunch of Pussies… HA! HA! HA!
I spent the rest of the gig just giggling to myself until I
noticed Victoria, who was playing a drum pattern, not just a pattern but a
tune, a melody, I was still crouched down the front and I just couldn’t look
away, I’d never noticed it before and do you think that I had the sense to
remember what song they were playing… I was mesmerised, hypnotised, stunned… You
know when you walk into the kitchen and then you just stand there for about 10
minutes, numb, puzzled, not able to remember why you went in there in the first
place… and then you suddenly remember… it was to get a whacking big knife
because this time she has gone too far, you are right, she is wrong and it
really is her time to die… It was just like that, well, except for the random killing
spree… Obviously…
Other than that, the gig passed by so quickly, always the
sign of a good gig.
After the gig, Sinead sneaked up on me and we hugged
properly this time and we laughed about what had happened on stage and
basically just laughed like a pair of school girls. I guess you had to be
there.
I hung around after the gig and chatted to some of the
punters. I listened to how they had got into the band and why they were there.
I don’t think I heard the same story twice. In the middle of that I chatted to
Agnes, Victoria and Saff, while everyone else tried to drag them away for their
own piece of Courtesans time.
I do remember at one point trying to explain to Victoria my
theory about Living Colour, Corey Glover, his hair, Clairol, why and how people
got into the band and the similarity between Living Colour and The Courtesans.
I’m not too convinced that she got it… HA! HA! HA!
Anyone wanting a photo stood next to the merch and against
the wall between two band members, Sinead, Agnes, fan, Victoria, Saff, “ON”
photograph taken “OFF” back to reality. Did I just see that? Really? Did I just
see what I thought I saw? The band really have grown and moved upwards to a whole
new level of confidence and skill. The awkwardness had gone.
As I stood watching, every now and again, me and Sinead
would catch each other’s eye and burst out laughing. Every few minutes someone
would want a band photo and it was just fun to stand back and be a voyeur.
I got home some time on Sunday morning.
Saturday 02nd May 2015
The Courtesans, Plastique, Leashes
The Lexington, London
In years to come this will be one of the gigs that people
will look back at and say “I was there…”
As I sat by myself enjoying a nice quiet pint, texting and
posting on the IMFC forum (God I need to get a life) up popped Sinead, later on
Agnes and Victoria came over before Saff appeared like a Jack-in-the Box. The
point to me mentioning that is for about an hour or more we just chatted about
everything and anything and at no point did any of us know what was about to
happen.
The support bands came and went with Plastique being the
stand out band and having a very good stage presence (thank you for the free CD
too…).
For reasons which I don’t seem to able to control I ended up
on stage left at the feet of Mistress Saffire. Um…
By the time the band came on the place was pulsing, the room
had a good positive vibe to it and everyone seemed to be excited about what it
was that they were about to witness and take part in.
Well I wasn’t expecting that. There were half a dozen
lesbians down the front and stood to my left who were lusting over Sinead and I
mean properly lusting. It’s bad enough having to compete against men without
having to compete against women too. “OY! That’s my job…” I shouted… She just
glared at me. No sense of humour some people.
If that wasn’t enough, during Genius a group of girls again
to my left sang Genius at the top of their voices while filming themselves in a
“selfie” style type way. What the hell is going on there… I’m not complaining
or dissing it, I was just completely side swiped by it.
But what made this gig special was the fact the band hit the
back of the room. It was the first time I’d seen them hit the back of the room.
The band had found that extra little piece of something, that bit of X Factor
and it showed, it stood out like a spy in a John Le Carre novel waiting to come
in from the cold.
Talking of spy’s, I spy with my little eye… the walls of the
room… that just got a lot closer than they were 30 minutes ago. The room just
shrank, smaller and smaller, tighter and tighter, the temperature rose and the
room lifted with it.
“Good night…”
You’ve got to be kidding right. Nothing goes that fast, not
even me and I’ve been known to finish very quickly… No… Hold on… That’s not
right…
As for rushing off, I had a tube to catch, I said my
goodbyes and just like Jack The Ripper I disappeared into the cold damp night
air.
Then it happened. I’ve posted on the IMFC Forum Football
Thread about The Courtesans before, but suddenly for whatever reason they
started to take notice. Chris (Cardiff Iron) Nick (Ironmask666) and Mark
(cagedbeast) in particular started to prick up their ears.
I posted a link to The Courtesans Soundcloud https://soundcloud.com/thecourtesans
Mark suddenly announced that Genius would make a great Bond song. Who the hell
are Bond…? I’ve never heard of them. Turns out he meant Bond as in James Bond.
In the click of a mouse the whole thread just lit up like a Christmas Tree.
I’d never noticed it before, I couldn’t believe that I’d
missed it. Then Nick piled in, confirming what Mark had said, it was definitely
a Bond song if ever there was one.
It was around this time and after watching this https://vimeo.com/57753666 that Chris mentioned
Victoria’s drumming style and how languid it was (and if you ever meet him
don’t mention Nirvana, drummers and his band…).
Before I knew it Mark was E Mailing the James Bond
Production Office and Nick was trying to buy the CD which did eventually
arrive, anyone would think it was sent from 1917.
If all of that wasn’t weird enough as we were all watching
The Eurovision Song Contest Nick piles in and states that The Courtesans should
represent the UK. Why hadn’t we seen that before? They would be fantastic as UK
representatives.
I thought that the The Courtesans chatter would eventually
die down. It didn’t and as I write Mark is a happy bunny because they are
playing Glasgow, although buying 50 tickets might be a little bit excessive,
while in other news he’s really pissed off that the CD has sold out, so me and
Nick are offering to sell him our copies for £200 and Chris is still in his man
cave puzzling over Dave Grohl.
Saturday 30th May 2015
The Courtesans, Raided By Waves, Redwood, The Albino Peaches
The Half Moon, Bishop Stortford
Another home town gig, well as close as were going to get,
Saff lives one side and I live the other so it seemed only fair that we meet in
the middle. Saff had tipped me off that this might be difficult to get into, I’d
also been tipped off by Laura at Harlot (I so want to call her Laura the Harlot
as in Charlotte the Harlot – Iron Maiden 1980) that this was close to selling
out and by the time I’d got it together there were less than 50 tickets
available, I’d only ever seen a pub gig sell out before and that was Maiden,
but then it would be wouldn’t it.
After seeing Villa get thumped by Arsenal in the FA Cup
Final (been there done that …) it was time for the evening’s entertainment to
begin.
As I sat at the bar I heard someone say, “Well I know Saff
so I have come… “ I almost punched him silly. What a twat. In fact for the
whole night he took great pleasure in telling everyone and anyone that he knew
Saff, so what, I watch Crime Watch too… He even tried to tell me the same story
just before they went on stage. Dick head… What is he going to be like when
they finally make it…? He was wearing that shirt too… YES YOU!
There was something very strange going on here tonight. It
was that classic case of, “you stay out of our village and we’ll stay out of
your town…” except someone had forgotten to lock the door. I seemed to keep
bumping into people that were very happy to tell me that they knew “the band…”
Seriously… FUCK OFF! It wouldn’t be so bad if you were talking about Elvis or
The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, but it’s only The Courtesans playing a pub in
Bishop Stortford.
Anyway… on a positive I bumped into someone (David) from the
Milton Keynes gig the other month. We chatted about other Courtesans gigs we’ve
done and both seemed to agree that there is something very special going on
here.
After the gig someone did come up to me and say, “Did I see
you at the London gig the other night?” Which was nice. So there were a few of
us that were there to see the band and hadn’t got dilutions of importance.
By then I’d made a conscious note to start telling people
that the band know me… hahaha…
I did bump into a few folks who tried to tell me how they
had seen the band once before, I hadn’t got the heart to tell them that this
was gig number seven for me. Bless them.
In the middle of all the nonsense that surrounds a pub gig I
somehow managed to bump into Victoria who was going into the pub as I was
popping out. She gave me a big hug. HOW COLD!? Good God women, I’ll have a word
with my mate Dave, who’ll come round and put central heating in your coffin.
I know I always mention this but another really good set of
support bands. I should have stayed in the back room chatting with the band
(Courtesans), but I’ve got four bands to see tonight and see four bands I will.
It was also good to see Agnes’s hand was firmly attached to
her arm and not completely missing. BIMBO! Now when she gave me a hug she was
deliciously warm and a lot of fun was had when I snuggled under her coat.
Victoria please take note.
As I watched The Courtesans trying to get over the noise of
most of the audience saying, “I know *them/the band/Saff” (* delete where
necessary) every now and again I would catch the eye of one of the band and vice
versa and I would suddenly snap out of it. I would be completely in the moment
enjoying the music and the vibe and then I would suddenly go, “CLICK” and come
back to reality and I wonder if they did the same.
Then it happened, strange as this may seem, I was stage left,
looking up and watching Saff thrashing away on her fret board like some fat
sweaty bloke thrashing away at himself while in front of his porn machine, when
out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sinead, who like a black Panther teasing a wildlife
photographer in the jungle, deliberately, gracefully, slinked across the stage
and slowly, surely and with spectacular accuracy placed a kiss on the right
check of Saff’s face. WOW! That surely has to be up there with Springsteen
kissing Clarence Clemons.
Towards the end of their set and I don’t know why it
happened, they suddenly got very angry, three songs got absolutely battered,
there was so much anger, aggression, almost boarder line hate, really up and in
your face and I loved it. It reminded so much of Wolfsbane or Maiden in full
flow. More of this please. It added a whole new dimension to the band and there
sound. I’d never thought of them or looked at them in that way before, but by
God was it good.
And who’d have thought “Lullaby” was about that? I hadn’t.
After the gig I was quite happy to hang around and chat to
family and friends because the atmosphere had changed and it was quite obvious
that these people were family and weren’t there just bigging themselves up.
I also got the opportunity to help Mistress Saffire peel off
some of her rubber body paint. The rest of this story has been censored to
protect the guilty.
That’s Christmas sorted then… One hair brush x 4…
Scruffy Herberts…
Saturday 31st October 2015
The Courtesans, London Black
The Iron Road, Evesham
Just how much fun was that? Well, apart from having to get
up at 6am to witness it all.
Walsall v Gillingham. 2nd v 1st. The
world’s gone mad. Walsall and Gillingham 2nd and 1st. I’m
not exactly sure when and where that meeting was held, but I wasn’t invited to
it. Seriously 2nd and 1st…?
What a great game of footy. Walsall got the winner on 90
minutes after being 0-2 down. Walsall 1st
Gillingham 3rd…
AND YOU FUCKED IT UP TWO NIL
AND YOU
FUCKED IT UP TWO NIL…
Little did I know that those Gillingham fans making that
long journey home would not be the last interaction I would have with the good
folks of Kent.
But, as usual, I’m jumping ahead of myself, in the five
months since I last saw The Courtesans a lot as happened.
For a start the God Squad turned up and tried to start a
fight, typical of the representatives of God to completely misunderstand the
word “Forgive”.
I then had to pop down to B&Q to get more wood for The
Courtesans pigeon hole which needs a much bigger extension than I was
anticipating.
Sinead decided it was time to continue the connections to
Living Colour by pretending to be Corey Glover by putting multi coloured braids
in her hair before a music festival Essex.
The band decided to change their logo so many times that I
lost count – more on that later.
While finally (for now) Sam Smith’s, “Writing on The Wall”
was chosen as the new Bond theme, what utter tosh it is too. Don’t
misunderstand, it is a bloody good love song, but it’s not a Bond theme, NO IT
IS NOT… Stop with the internal dialogue, I’m right, just deal with it… They
have just bolted on some strings to make it sound like a Bond song and frankly
you could do that with Motorhead’s “Killed by Death” and to add insult to
injury they made such a big deal out of selling 70,000 copies of the single in
its first week and getting to number one. Are they having a laugh? SEVENTY
THOUSAND COPIES! When I was a kid 70,000 copies wouldn’t get you in the top ten
never mind number one. It’s not as if anyone had to go to the shop to buy it
either, a simple click on a mouse and it’s bought, which is ironic seeing how
he sounds like Mickey…
Rant over (for now).
By 7pm I was crossing the bridge over the iron road (see
what I did there…) passing the pub on my left and pulling into the car park.
BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! You’re got to be kidding me. I’ve got a puncture. Rear left?
No, hold on, its front left. No, hold on it’s both. BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! No, it
can’t be, not even I’m that unlucky… Or am I?
It wasn’t until I parked up and got out of the car to have a
look that I realised that, that BUMP! BUMP! BUMP! Was in fact BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
And that long familiar sound of a sound check.
Once inside the pub, what can only be described as confusion
and mild chaos greeted me. Well this will be interesting, I’ve never seen them
sound check before.
In the middle of all of this, individual band members come
over and say hello and I’m introduced to Mums and Dads.
The sound check continued, or didn’t depending on if your
glass is half full or empty. Wedges not working. Vocals vanished. Unplug this,
re connect that, band members stand politely and quietly, no panic, no rushing
around, calm, easy, slowly, they work through each individual issue that stands
in front of them. Does anyone have Valerie Singleton’s phone number? What’s
needed around here is some sticky backed plastic.
Once the sound check was finished we all scattered in different
directions and at one point I found myself at the bar chatting with David (see
Milton Keynes and Bishop Stortford) Victoria and her Mum and I can only apologise
to Victoria’s Mum for the bad language – who’d have thought Victoria could
swear like… WHAT!?
At this point I must apologise to Peach’s (who’d travelled
up from Margate in Kent) who I got chatting to via David, only to promptly
forget what she looked like because she was in fancy dress and probably spent
the rest of the night being ignored by me… Sorry, in my defence I am an idiot,
also I’m stupidly bad with names and faces, in fact, if it ever becomes an
Olympic event then I’m your man… (See you on the 12th… but I won’t
recognise you… Ha Ha Ha…).
“And he’s one we made earlier…”
Sixty seconds after 9.29pm 9.30pm arrived and so did the
support band and yet again, The Courtesans seem to have found another fantastic
support band, “London Black” bounced on stage, someone somewhere flicked a
switch, the PA went up to eleven and the opening scene from Back to The Future
sprang to mind when Marty stands in front of that massive cab holding his
guitar and you all know what happens next… Bloody Hell Fire… It was so loud…
Great Scott!
As for London Black am I the only one that has ever watched
their singer and thought “Dean Friedman”? Either way, go and see London Black…
Just like 9.29pm 10.29pm leads 10.30pm into the room and the
reason for being up since 6am and travelling almost 200 hundred miles via Walsall
going top of the league calmly walked on stage.
No fucking about, straight into “Liberate”, (is this going
to end up being The Courtesans, Quo’s “Caroline”?) the song ends, Sinead rips
off het jacket, out and off come the ear monitors and back on goes the jacket,
at one point it looked she was going to start a fight.
Indigo, Dirty Killer, chase down Liberate and beat it to
death on the stage, well it is Halloween after all…
The band were a lot more animated than I’ve seen them before,
well apart from Victoria who continues to glide gracefully through each song
like a swan in a royal park, well not the park, but the lake in the park… you
know what I mean…
I’m not playing unless
you say I’m Metal…
I’d already seen the set list so I knew that song No4 is
going to be, “Out of Spite” and it’s a new song, I’d had every intention of
standing stage right but I couldn’t because of the shape of the stage and in
the end, just for a change, I ended up standing stage left in front of Mistress
Saffire and next to the PA, which was simply battering me. I ducked into the
doorway in the vain hope of getting out of the way of the volume and failed but
on first hearing I’m impressed with “Out of Spite”.
By now official photographers and fans with professional
equipment were falling over themselves at the front of the stage in vain hope
of not spilling onto it. The audience had moved forward, being pulled in,
sucked in, why try to prevent the inevitable, it was always going to happen, like
trying to hold back the tide, maybe that’s why no one was dressed like King
Canute.
As usual, all too soon it was over, new songs came and went,
I could barely hear myself think, but for reasons I don’t fully understand,
they ended their set with a new song. I can’t agree with that, sorry ladies, I
can’t. The song in question was “Mesmerise” and rocked like a big rocky thing
made out of rock, but why end with a new song. That takes some serious balls.
Well it shows what I know doesn’t it, not only did the room
lap it all up but they demanded an encore too, so The Power of Love ended a
blistering set.
That may have been the end of the gig but it wasn’t the end
of the night, out of the PA came DIO’s Holy Diver, it sounded fantastic and I
thought of the guys on the IMFC and started to laugh. I rushed the bar and
started to take notes before forgetting what I’d just seen only to witness 50+
metal heads in fancy dress all dancing or trying to do the zombie dance, to
Michael Jackson’s Thriller, if I hadn’t seen it I wouldn’t have believed it.
Lots of chatting, drinking, dancing, and somewhere after 1am
I was finally ready to leave. Just as I pulling out of the car park I heard
Saff shout, “Noggin” and she came over and gave me one final hug through the
window, well not through the window, because the window is glass, the window
was down… you know what I mean… “You smell lovely”, I said, “You smell of
bananas or toffee”, I continued. “I’ve just had a banoffee shot”, she replied,
before telling me a story about coming back from Scotland infected…
Eventually she staggered off back towards the
pub. God she makes me laugh…
By now it was 01.30 and the fog had moved in. I got home at
04.30 and all I could do is hope that everyone had an easier trip than me.
Saturday 14th November 2015
The Courtesans, Hex
The Box, Crewe
Dear reader, were
going to be here a while, so if you need to go to the bar then now is the time
to do it…
Three down, one to go… Or is it…?
BASTARDS! They lied, they promised me that from now on there
would be only one 2.30 and it would be in the PM, so up at 02.30 and off to
Kent it was and for all the people that don’t know, Kent is in the completely
opposite direction to Crewe. BUGGER!
One full shift, eight and half hours, 270 miles later, it is
11.00 and I’m leaving work and making my way to Crewe and surprisingly it was a
nice and easy trip.
M6 J16, left onto the A500 and then right onto the B5071
“Jack Mills Way” and the first sign I see reads, “Welcome to Crewe”, well thank
you very much, that’s very kind, the next sign I see reads, “LOW BRIDGE”,
unable to simply pass by I decide to get out of my car and try to cheer up the
low bridge… Unsure of my success I decided to carry on. A few hundred yards
further down the road and I noticed Gresty Road, I parked the car, got out,
picked up as many rocks as I could find and threw them in the direction of so
many Walsall FC disasters before dropping my trousers and waggling my bare
arse, before getting back in the car and driving off. Just a shame they were
playing away at Bradford really…
What can I say about Crewe? Well, have you ever seen it on a
holiday programme? If you’ve just stopped to think, “Have I ever seen Crewe on
a holiday programme?” Then you are banned from reading any further… I did find
out that “Miss Crewe” is not a beauty contest but a piece of advice.
By the time I’d parked up it was wet, cold, dreary,
miserable, the oncoming evening was doing its best to suffocate daylight from
the few remaining hours of the day and by half time I had seen everything of
Crewe that I’d wanted to and was upstairs in McDonalds drinking coffee and
looking at the half time football scores coming in. Later I would find out that
Coventry won 1-3 and Gillingham won 3-1 so the table now reads Gillingham,
Coventry, Walsall, our game was called off because of… international call ups…
HA! HA! HA!
As I made my to the train station (long story) I literally
bumped into the band who were doing their load in. A quick round of hugs and
were off doing our own thing, which for me meant finding my hotel, checking in
and spending 20 minutes just standing under a power shower.
I was going to pre load before going to the gig but I
couldn’t because I needed to go back to the venue to pick up a few bits and get
them signed, which meant taking them back to the hotel which meant driving.
I blagged my way into the venue via the hotel on the corner.
WOW! WHAT A VENUE! BLOODY HELL FIRE! I instantly wanted to go and start a band
to so I could go and play there. All the above words I wrote about Crewe
ignore, actually, no, don’t, they are all true, but “The Box” is the jewel in
the crown and is worth every miserable experience Crewe can throw at you. GO
AND VISIT THE BOX! I caught the tail end of the sound check but frankly I was
too busy being awestruck by the venue to take any real notice of the band.
Just for the record the stage was about 4ft high, 15ft deep,
30ft wide, drum riser, PA, lightening rig, monitor and desk on the side of the
stage with a mixing desk and light mixer at the rear of the room. Just turn up plug
in a play.
Sound check over, I grab what I need to and over walks Saff,
bloody hell she looked good, “You look like Enya”, I said, “Oh thank you”, she
replied before promptly bursting into an Enya song (she looked and sounded
stunning, simply stunning, face and voice of an angel, body of a slut and I
went all tingly in my special place – oh come on, you would wouldn’t you…
please don’t get me wrong, she’d have to say please… and thank you… I’m not
some cheap tart you know) anyway, once she’d finally finished serenading me
with her Enya song I continued, “It wasn’t supposed to be a compliment…” Ha!
Ha! Ha! I guess you had to be there but it was funny. She gave me the “Saff
Glare” which to be honest is something I’m beginning to get used to receiving
and my special tingly place crawled up inside my body where it was safe and
warm and relatively free from the danger of being torn off…
Turns out, as we chatted away, that we have more in common
than we had first thought, music, religion, aircraft, astronomy, groupies,
touring and if she keeps my secret then I’ll keep hers, although at one point I
did make mental note that I should never visit an art gallery with Saff and if
I do, I should make sure that all the windows are closed…
While all of this was going on the band and crew had gone
off to get food and had already returned, God can she talk.
Also, we got closer to whether I can claim Bishop Stortford
as a “home town gig”, as I’d always known, Saff doesn’t live in Bishop
Stortford but just up the road, what I hadn’t realised was that she lived at
the end of Stansted 22/04. Like the crazy Cat Lady from The Simpson’s, except she
collects aircraft. She’s completely barking mad. I don’t know if she realises
just how funny she is. You know when people say that someone, “orbits another
planet”… Well, she owns the other planet…
Saff. Wherever you are. I love you very much, but you scare
the living bejesus out of me… hahaha…
Dear reader, I’m sure that by now you realise that when she
sees me next I’m going to get slapped to the wrong side of the Dr Who Christmas
Special, but I have a plan, a cunning plan, a plan so cunning you could pin a
tail on it and call it a weasel, by the time you’re reading this, I’m already
out of the country having sold all of my possessions and having done a runner.
Someone please tell my daughter I love her… Don’t try to phone me, I’ve sold
that too…
I made my way back to the hotel to dump my swag via a line
of people queuing up outside in the rain. I promise you that there were people
outside queuing in the rain. I couldn’t get my head around it, apart from being
impressed I was also confused as to why they weren’t waiting in the bar. Maybe
it’s a Crewe thing.
With some pre loading done I walked back to The Box in the
rain.
YAWN! You all know what’s coming now don’t you, the support
band, “Hex” and yet again The Courtesans have provided a support band worth
getting wet for. Completely trapped in the 80s and making no apologies for it,
they took being at ease in front of a crowd to a level of confidence you don’t
normally get at this level. If they were American they would have been signed
up by now.
Where was everyone? I continued to stand at the bar, it
seemed such a waste of energy and time to walk away from the bar only to return
to it later for more beer but as I stood there I couldn’t help but notice just
how empty it was. The people of Crewe should go and hang themselves - sorry I
meant - their heads in shame… They have the venue, they have the band, I’m not sure
what else they need or want.
I continued to stand at the bar.
The band passed by me and stood at the top of the steps
looking at the stage and the massive empty void that separated them both like Generals
deciding how to attack the enemy.
The plan of attack decided they make their way to the stage,
calmly and slowly walk up the steps onto the stage, pick up their instruments,
turn to the crowd and at 22 hundred hours plus 20 they launched into the most
vicious attack. There were going to be no prisoners taken tonight. Complete and
total annihilation of your enemy, or your money back. Your satisfactory rights
are not affected.
I took a few steps forward and stood were the band were a
few minutes earlier and watched in stunned amazement at the onslaught that
projected from the stage. “Come closer” instructed Sinead like an old fashioned
Lion Tamer and just like good lion’s every one stood exactly where they were
told to and come the end of the next song a roar of approval followed.
I continued to stand at the top of the steps. I lasted until
the fourth song, “Out Of Spite”. I needed to hear it again and properly through
a decent PA, before moving down to the front of the stage, where I took
advantage of the space, probably to everyone else’s annoyance and took as many
photos as I could, after all, I might not get this chance again and London
certainly won’t offer me this kind of opportunity.
Sorry, I’m not buying this. Nobody is that good. Seeing the
band tonight was like seeing a band record a live radio show or a live TV show,
each song having to be delivered as if their lives depended on it. And by God
didn’t they deliver. It wasn’t just a case of playing to the back of the room,
or getting everyone to “Come closer” and forcing them back with the sheer force
of the delivery, it was more than it, it was songs, it was the songs that got
bullied, battered, beaten, it was as if all the frustration of that empty room
went into the crushing of the song and all of that energy spilled into the
room.
They were fluid. They were liquid. They flowed. They were
pure energy. They were playing from a place I don’t think I will ever be able
to visit never mind try to describe.
He comes that DeLorean moment again and before I know it,
it’s Thursday 21st April 1988, RUSH, NEC (Google “A Show Of
Hands”).
Oh God, I wish I could have got to that Delain support at
the O2 Academy… and that stage…
Remember The Lexington gig? Well this will be the same and in
years to come people will say that, “I was there…”
L to R, set lists from Evesham and Crewe
Notice how the last two songs have been swopped while “Sleaze”, “Blood
Money” and “Hard Man To Kill” are all missing from the set. Can you imagine
having those three songs in your back pocket…
As usual it was all over far too quickly and before I knew
it the band were being mobbed at the merch’ stand and there were lots of very
happy smiley people being very happy and smiley.
At this point dear reader things for me become a little bit
fuzzy. Well to be honest they were already well on the way to being fuzzy and
I’d love to tell that a great night got even better as we all decamped into the
hotel bar on the corner of the street and to be honest, that’s exactly what
happened, I just don’t have much memory of it.
I do remember a voice somewhere and everyone on mass leaving
the venue. I do remember walking down the stairs of the venue hugging and giggling
with Sinead – God we are own worst enemies. I do remember finding the bar. I do
remember Sinead offering to buy a round of drinks and there must have been ten
to fifteen people around that table and when she asked me, “Do you want a
drink?” I replied, “Coffee please…” She just gave me the “Saff Glare…” I guess
you had to be there but it was SSSSSOOOOO funny… I do remember the couple from
Solihull and listening to tales of putting “1917” onto reel to reel tape.
What I don’t remember are the photos that were taken on my
phone, but I have found them. What I don’t remember are the scenes of semi
naked drunken debauchery and taking photos of it on my camera, but I have found
them too – even if I did spend a full twenty minutes trying to work out where
the photos were taken and who was involved because there were… How many bodies
in the photo...?
The images that I’ve found prove beyond any shadow of a
doubt that I had a fantastic night. I just don’t remember any of it… ALCOHOL…
WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO!!!
GUTTED!
My last genuine memory of the night I have is the band being
escorted back their hotel rooms because of a 7am leave and Saff being literally
placed over the shoulder of the Tour Manager like a caveman, WOMEN – WANT –
TAKE – NOW!!
Still, all of the above would explain why I woke up to find
my pants on back to front, still, at least they were my own pants…
9am
Sunday morning going slow, I’m taking to the radio, clothes
and records on the floor, the memories of the night before, out in club land
having fun and now I’m hiding from the sun… ©Marc Almond, David James Ball.
11am
McDonalds and I’m not feeling very good. I’m feeling very
emotional. Paris? Now I know some friends are safe while other are not. The
hang over? The lack of sleep? The thought of driving three hours home? The
thought that I’m only two hours from my daughter and instead of turning left
I’m going to turn right?
2pm
Home. Kettle on. Clothes off. Everything goes in the wash.
And, I’ve finally decided that yes it is, three down and one
to go… Look out Poland, here I come.
Je Suis Charlie.
Je Suis Walsall FC.
Je Suis Paris.
Je Suis Not Afraid.
To be continued…
Noggin xx
