On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

HOLIDAYS

 

Where do I start with this one? I often get asked, “Why do you want to see a band more than once?” or, “Why do I do it?” Well, the answer to those questions is very simple, “Why not?”

For example, it’s only the same as someone buying a Season Ticket at a football club, why go every week when you know that you’re only going to lose. Especially if you’re a Walsall fan. No one ever questions their loyalty to their team, although, if you’re a Walsall fan it’s your sanity that should be questioned.

Seeing a band play live is a very visceral thing. You can’t divorce yourself from the fact you’re in a room, with complete strangers, all feeling the same thing, for the same reason.

That the stranger seating or standing next to you is about to become a lifelong friend. Maybe even a lover, or future husband or wife.

It’s a bit like asking “Why climb a mountain?” You know, without doubt, that is the most redundant question ever posed. If you’ve ever seen a mountain, you’d know why you have to climb it, it is an act of pure instinct, just like an infant sucking their thumb.

When it’s your favourite band, you want, you need, you must, see them more than once. Having their Rock N’ Roll circus roll into your town isn’t good enough, you want it to never end, you want them to never leave, but they do, just like Ye Olde Travelling Minstrels, they move on and leave you behind to wait for the next travelling minstrels.

The only problem is that the next travelling minstrels aren’t as good, they aren’t your travelling minstrels, so you either wait for your travelling minstrels to return, or you run away and join their Rock N’ Roll circus, if only for a week or two. 

For me, it’s more than that, it’s about being on tour, which makes it more than just seeing a band, it becomes more about seeing the land (that rhymed, write it down quick, I’m a poet ay I?).

For me, there is another side, it is my holiday. Yes, you read that correctly, for me, I’m on holiday. Let me try to explain how it works.

I do not know you, but I’m going to guess you did this with your annual holiday. You worked hard. You saved hard. You then decided to fly to some far-flung destination “where the weather is much better and the food is so much cheaper.” Without giving a second thought to your carbon footprint. *

Where you lay on a beach for two weeks getting tan lines next to places that no one is ever going to see anyway, which you could have done down your local high street tanning salon saving yourself a small fortune while helping a local business in the process.

Really, who are you trying to kid? Who exactly is going to see those tan lines anyway? Anyone intimate enough to see those tan lines is going to be seeing more than those tan lines, so why spend all that money creating them? You thought that through didn’t you. Fuck’s sake.

And when you finally arrived at those far-flung places. Did you interact with the locals? Did you visit their museums? Art Galleries? Places of cultural interest or value? Their markets? Their local shops? Did you try any of the local food or drink? Did you even bother to try to learn some of their language, even if was only “Yes, No, Please and Thank you”?

No. No, you didn’t, I’m going to tell you exactly what you did when you went to that far-flung place of beauty and interest that you coldly ignored.

You found a street, a street which is probably older than any street in the UK, full of bars, fake British pubs, selling British beer, selling British food, showing Sky Sports and that was the limit to your interactions with the people and the culture of that far-flung place you worked so hard and saved so much to travel to, which you completely ignored for two weeks while you got drunk, fat, and sunburnt.

So next time you ask why I do it, maybe you should ask yourself that very same question.

In the meantime, I’m going to runaway and join the circus, if only for two weeks.

 

* The Motors, “Airport” from the album “Approved By The Motors” (1978)

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

FRIENDS

 

I think it was Irish poet William Butler Yeats that said, “A stranger is a friend you have met yet.” What a wanker.

I bet he was one of those gits that said things like, “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around does it make a sound?” And before you write in, yes, I know it was Dr George Berkley an Anglican Bishop, philosopher in the 1600’s, he was an all-round top wanker too.

Yes, it makes a sound. What a total tit. What if you are deaf and it fell over next to you would it fall silently because you are deaf? No! Yes, it makes a sound whether you can hear it or not, whether you are there or not. Wanker!

And before anyone starts banging on about chickens and eggs, it’s always the egg. Fuck’s sake.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m surrounded by wankers.

But give him his due, wanker or not, William Butler Yeats was right, so that makes him a right wanker. Right? Well wanker or not, it’s a great quote and I agree with it. Mainly because it’s the truth. 

The people in my life, the people who have meant the most to me, have, I think it’s fair to say, entered my life because of music. Lifetime friendships made at gigs, pubs, clubs, queuing for tickets, fan clubs, online forums, etc…

Yes, it’s tribal and because it’s tribal it can be very brutal at times, but mostly it’s that gang mentally that is very similar the gang mentally of a band, which binds you together. It helps you, it protects you, looks out for you and after you, and just as the band is a gang so are we. Friends for life.

Just as the only people that know what it’s like to be in a band are people in a band, it is only us fans that know what it’s like to follow a band around. The bands have no idea what real sacrifice means, they think they do, but they don’t have slightest idea what we go through, and I doubt if they could survive on the road if they did what we did.

As RUSH once sang, “I can’t pretend a stranger is a long-awaited friend” and I don’t have too either. I know that at some point I’m not only going to meet friends that I haven’t been introduced to yet, but I’m going to meet up with friends I was introduced to last time I travelled that way. *

That is one of the genuine perks of being on tour, knowing that, at some point you are going to have a sliding doors moment, that you are going to meet someone somewhere on the road that is going to totally and completely turn your life around, lift it to a whole new level of joy and understanding.

I for example met Nick in the Hard Rock Café in Tokyo on the Iron Maiden tour in 2008, now what you don’t know is Nick is from one side of the Black Country while I’m from the other, at the time of meeting we lived maybe 20 miles apart, yet it took a Heavy Metal band from the East End of London, that we’ve both been fans of from 1980 to bring us together on the other side of the planet, turns out that we’ve obviously been at the same gigs for years and years and never met and we were both at Wolves v Leeds Utd Boxing Day 1977 (even then they took more). You just couldn’t make this stuff up, but it happens all the time.

And that rush (no pun intended) of knowing that I’m going to travel to somewhere far away and meet friends I haven’t seen in years or simply haven’t met yet, is one hell of a reason for doing it.

 

* RUSH, “Limelight” from the album “Moving Pictures” (1981).

 

Noggin xx

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

TOWNS & CITIES

 

In many ways this is very similar if not identical to my previous observations.

Just like venues, there are certain towns and cities that are a must to visit, meccas to live music, places that draw you in, their reputation precedes them and if your favourite band plays there, then you simply have to show your face. It’s a non-negotiable part of being a fan. 

On a global scale, places like London, New York City, Los Angeles, Tokyo, and Paris, shine like the brightest of diamonds. *

While at the UK level, London, Newcastle, Glasgow, and Belfast, simply leap from any tour itinerary and are a must to visit. **

These towns and cities are usually university towns and cities, never underestimate the ability of the youth of any nation not to understand the importance of partying like bastards even on a Tuesday night in winter, they have no shame, even in today’s modern world of filming everything and plonking it on social media where it will sit forever waiting to destroy your career before it even takes off. Intelligent? Yes. Common sense? No. Still, it makes for a great night out. 

Just like venues, these towns and cities really are a must for any fan, and just like venues where each performer leaves a little bit of themselves on the stage, another bit of history, that adds to the mystique of the venue, some towns and cities are the same, just like our ancestors visiting stone circles, well worn paths of pilgrimage, so it continues today, whether it be stone circles, religious altars or concert venues, the only thing that changes is the passing of time and shape of the place of worship.

And with any luck, while you are on the road to Damascus you might have an epiphany moment and find a new place of pilgrimage. May the music God’s use Vari-Lites to guide your way.

As a side note, and referring to my previous observations, about corporate whore rebranding of venues. Can imagine if someone went and rebranded town and city names? Now do you get it? Now do you understand the stupidity of it all?

It’s OK. You can admit it. I’m right. You know I’m right. You can stop with the internal dialogue. I’m right. Deal with it and move on with your life, you’ll be saving us both a lot of time.

 

*&** There are many towns and cities that I could have mentioned but this is not an A to Z in the back of an atlas.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

VENUES

 

Imagine my heartbreak, confusion, dismay, frustration, anger, at finally getting to Meadowlands Arena in New Jersey only to find it had been renamed Izod. Who or what the fuck is Izod?

Bullshit, you can rename it and rebrand it as much as you like, it is still and always will be “MEADOWLANDS.”

The same goes for the NEC or whatever corporate whore name is has now. Fuck off! The NEC is at the NEC and the NIA is in the city centre. Isn’t it fun boys and girls looking at a tour advert and spending 30 minutes Googling each venue to find out which venue, which venue is.

Who the fuck are these people that keep renaming and rebranding our venues, they don’t belong to them, they belong to us, I didn’t see my favourite band, play the Corporate Whore Indoor Wank Fest Arena, I saw them play Aberdeen Capitol, Hammersmith Odeon, NEC, NIA, Wembley Arena, Meadowlands.

I choose to go to these venues because of their history, their status, their standing, to be able to say, “I’ve done The Marquee, NEC, Meadowlands,” etc. It matters, if you’re a football fan reading these words, it’s just like doing the 92.

Yes, it’s great to visit a new venue because it’s another new venue ticked off the list, but those world famous names, they matter, you only have to hear the name, Wembley, Madison Square Garden, Whiskey, and you already know which city I’m talking about. It matters.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying here. I completely understand that buildings get built and for various reasons they sometimes need to become something else, something new, for example, The Marquee Club on Charing Cross Road in London is now a Wetherspoons Pub (I will pause here for howls of public outrage – can we move on now? Good). Well guess what? That building wasn’t always The Marquee Club.

The Marquee Club started life just around the corner in Oxford Street, before moving to Wardour Street before moving Charing Cross Road before finally moving up to Islington to what we all now know as the O2 Islington Academy, and they are just the ones I know of.

While the building that we all know as The Marquee Club on Charing Cross Road was a purpose built cinema dating from 1911.

See how it works. It’s very simple and it all makes perfect sense, what doesn’t make sense is the corporate rebranding of a building. Everyone knows where the NEC is? Do you know what it is called this week? No, nor me. What happens next week, month, year, when that contract expires, and it’s rebranded again? What is it going to be called then?

So, I’m calling bullshit, fuck off with your corporate rebranding of our venues. Meadowlands is always going to be Meadowlands, the NEC is always going to be the NEC, and if anyone out there calls Hammersmith Odeon the Apollo then you are a total and utter cunt who deserves nothing more than a slow and painful death, and that can be very easily arranged. 

Peace and Love.

You cunt.

 

Noggin xx

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

HOTELS

 

BOOM! not in a drop the mic way, but BOOM! as in walking through a minefield way, because that’s what finding a hotel was like before someone invented the Interweb.

If you can’t remember before the Interweb, then no amount of words can adequately express just how difficult it was to find and book a hotel. If you can remember before the Interweb then you are either smiling, laughing, or crying over your memories.

I’ve spent hours and hours trying to think of a way to explain just how difficult it was to find and book a hotel before the Interweb and then it literally just dawned on me how to explain it to you.

Try it.

Try it. Wherever you are when you read these words, think of a town or city 100 miles away from you and then try to find and book a hotel on the first day of the next month without using the Interweb. I’ll bet you any amount of money you like that you can’t even begin to get your head around the concept of trying to do it never mind doing it. Get back to me, let me know how you got on.  

Hotels, the finding, and the booking of, is one of the few ways that the Interweb as truly benefitted mankind.  

In a weird way, finding a hotel is one of the few times on tour that you can be in complete control of what happens to you. You are no longer roughing it, or gambling on B&B’s, or an independent guest house, to be honest, there were times I’d wished I was roughing it… 

IBIS Hotels were the first hotel chain I eventually stumbled into that had the 15 minutes we’ll fix or sort it rule, which basically meant, that after checking in you had 15 minutes to inform them of any issues with your room and they would either fix it or sort it. It was basically like a fast food restaurant, you knew exactly what you were getting because every hotel room was identical, no matter where you were in Europe. Afterall, I don’t need a home from home I need a hotel.

Travelodge and Premier Inn followed albeit slowly. Those three hotel chains have been my sanctuary for many years now, but before that it really was a minefield.

And I haven’t even mentioned trying to find a hotel with a car park. Who knew it could be so difficult.

The trade-off to that is this. The closer to a town or city centre the hotel is, then the less chance of the hotel having a car park of its own. In recent times hotels have set up deals with car parks to offer discounted parking, but these car parks are open to the public and it’s first come first served.

While getting a hotel further away from the town or city centre may raise the chance of the hotel having its own car park, but you then find yourself having to travel into the town or city centre on public transport or getting a taxi or walking to and from the gig.

What is it they say, Location, location, Location…

Hotels, car parking (or lack of), public transport, taxi’s, walking, do you see how quick those small issues rapidly lead you into a world of hurt and it becomes a massive drain on your finances in ways you can’t even begin to understand until it starts happening. It’s just like opening your front door and finding a water leak. You need to find that leak and stop it and stop it instantly.

Before I discovered those soft fluffy beds with their hot power showers. I’ve roughed it in towns and cities all over the UK. In the summer, in the winter, in bus stations, in coach stations, in train stations, on street corners.

I’ve had people try to mug me, rob me, rape me (I kid you not) I’ve had a gun pulled on me and yet I’m writing to you now and they are not and that’s all you need to know that subject. I’ve even had people offer me food and money thinking that I was homeless.

I’ve been befriended by hookers. I soon discovered that roughing where hookers worked meant safety in numbers, and hookers, are without doubt, some of the most humble, honest, genuine, creatures to walk the face of this planet (and streets) and I’ve still never met a hooker that wanted or needed to be rescued.

We are all prostitutes, it’s just some of us are more honest about it.

I’ve met some amazing people, genuine characters, “Have you seen Jimmy?” junkies, smack heads, military personal going home on leave, the list goes on. I’ve jumped sleeper trains with Bruce Dickinson, and I’ve blagged a lift on Living Colour’s tour bus. I’ve broken into a train in Aberdeen because I was so cold only to wake up as the train was leaving New Street Station – true story that. *

I haven’t always had money.

I’ve paid my dues.

Now I pay hotel bills.

 

* Everything Billy Connolly said about Aberdeen is true.

 

Noggin xx

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

TRAVEL

 

The Cuckoo in the nest.

Travel is, I would argue, the ultimate game changer. Your favourite band is on tour, you’ve decided which gig or gigs you’d like to do, now you have to decide how you are going to get there. Simple, right? Wrong.

Option 1. Public transport.

It doesn’t really matter if the gig is local, at the other end of the country or on the other side of the planet for that matter. Public transport relies on two very simply things.

Firstly, Timetables. Can you get to and from the gig? Does public transport run late at night, most theatre or arena gigs end around 22.30 with a curfew normally around 23.00 at the latest, club gigs however can go onto the small hours of the following morning, conversely making it very difficult to see smaller gigs because of the venue the band are playing.

Secondly, Industrial Action. Who am I to tell Train Drivers that £60K a year isn’t enough money to live on. Strikes, planned with public notice or wildcat walkouts will end your tour before it has even begun. What’s the point of a gig ticket, and or a hotel reservation, if you can’t get there?

Option 2. Private travel.

Driving to and from the gig, or driving the tour, gives you the option of flexibility because you aren’t being held to a timetable, and it also means you are freed from any possible industrial action. You become your own tour manager.

The downside to driving is one, you need a car and two, it means you have to fuel the car and then find somewhere to park the car, and when I write park the car, the car is going to be parked for a long time, so those car parking charges are going to escalate rapidly, unless you have a hotel with a car park.

Option 3. Walk. You may laugh, but I’ve walked from Birmingham to Walsall at Stupid O’ Clock in the morning on many occasions. I’ve also walked across London a few times too thanks to strikes. Amazing the things that you see when the world is asleep in its bed. *

Option 4. You know, there is a fourth option. Carpooling. Doing the gig, or gigs, or tour, with your mates. One of your mates drives to and from the gigs and you all throw in petrol money and money for parking. Basically, making sure he or she is looked after, watered and fed. Afterall, when you’re on the back seat of the car sleeping, they are the one who is staying awake, making up limericks, driving you home and keeping you alive, just to do it all again tomorrow. **

Who knew getting to a gig could be so complicated.

 

* I’ve also walked up Broadway in New York City, but that’s just showing off and I’ve got photo at Stupid O’ Clock showing me as far north as 124^th St, but that’s another story for another day. 

** See Bruce Dickinson blogs.

*** Footnote. There have been many times when I’ve gone to a gig without knowing how I was going to get home only to have some kind soul offer me a lift home in their car (or tour bus, private plane...). It is a debt I’ve always wanted to pay back. Sometimes I’ve been able too, but mostly I’ve failed, often because our lives have moved off in different directions, sometimes because I’ve never seen them again (don’t accept lifts from strangers’ kids…).

It's a debt I’ve continued to carry with me and hopefully I always will. Whenever I get the chance to give someone a lift, to or from a gig, I do. I used to be them once. It is important to never forget.

I’ve not always had a car, but now I do.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

PLANNING

 

When your favourite band announces a tour it feels like Xmas morning, it feels like falling in love, it feels like falling in love on Xmas morning. It’s the best of the best.

You then instantly get slapped around the face by a few questions. *

What are the dates? What date is my local gig? What day is that? Can I do the gig? Do I have other commitments? Can I do other gigs? Should I do other gigs? Is it possible to do other gigs? And on and on and on it goes…   

The prime driver to every question that instantly pops into your head is MONEY!

Tickets, travel, hotels, it all adds up, doing a gig isn’t necessarily cheap, even if you only do one local gig.

It all depends on the band you want to see and at what level they are in their career and how popular they are with the Squares and the Band Wagon Jumpers.

If, for example, you want to see a small band that are at the start of their career or are a cult band it is relatively cheap and easy to see them play live, however, if the band you want to see is on the crest of the wave or is flavour of the month with the Squares and the Band Wagon Jumpers things become difficult, and God forbid if you want to try and see a band that thinks they deserve to play only stadiums.

Seeing your favourite band can range from £10 to £20 at one end of the scale to £100 at the other, and that’s just for a ticket.

Whether you chose to do one gig in your local venue or whether you chose to do multiple gigs, it doesn’t come free or cheap. 

Once you’ve decided on a single gig or multiple gigs it all comes back to the Devil we call money, or as it’s now called, Disposable Income.

Doing a single gig is the cheapest option, but what if you chose to do multiple gigs, multiple gigs fall into two categories. **

Cat 1, Doing multiple nights at your local venue. For example, if a band plays three nights at Birmingham Odeon, you go to all three nights.

Cat 2, Doing multiple nights on a tour. For example, Glasgow, Birmingham, and London. This option then gets complicated when you have two separate scenarios. Scenario One, are those gigs on three consecutive days - for example, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Scenario Two, are they on your free days - for example Tuesday, Tuesday, and Tuesday.

And you all thought it was simple, it’s anything but.

Once you have decided on which date or dates you can do the real planning then begins. If you are doing your local gig, then it is relatively easy. If you are doing multiple dates then things get more complex, but the framework for each gig is identical.

Concert ticket. Getting to the gig. Getting home again or staying in a hotel. Every gig is the same.

The only slight variation on the theme is financial. For example, staying overnight in a hotel means spending money, which is money you could spend on another ticket.

While travelling to multiple gigs means spending even more money, but it means you get to more gigs, hopefully spending the money that you saved by not staying in a hotel. So, by saving money, you get to spend money, the money that you have saved from when you didn’t spend it, but now you are, spending it that is. Basically, you just move your clothes to a lower peg. ***

Have you started to notice a running theme of money? It’s all about money. So, conversely, what I’m saying is this, the less money you spend, the more money you save, which means you have more money to spend getting to other gigs, or at least die trying.

Afterall, you don’t really choose to see your favourite band, you have to, it’s an itch, it’s a craving, it’s an addiction. It’s not like you have a choice in your decision making, and just like any addict, you’d do anything to have that hit.

Fuck your 12 steps.

Fuck your God.

I’m an addict and I’m happy with it.

 

* “You know, when you’ve been Tango’d.”

** Sorry, I lied, the cheapest option is to do no gigs.

*** “I do wish you’d listen, Wymer. It’s perfectly simple…” Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life - Part II Growth and Learning.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

INTRODUCTION

 

Rob Halford released a book in 2022 titled Biblical and a damn good read it is too. In his book he shared his 50 years experience of being in a band and touring the world.

It was basically an idiots guide to being in a band and being on the road, or, to put it another way, it was, “Being in a band and being on the road for DUMMIES.”

It wasn’t too dissimilar to something I’d written for Living Colour and Skunkworks in 1993 and 1996, respectively. With that in mind, and with the Wolfsbane UK Tour starting tomorrow, I thought I’d offer a different perspective on the whole being in a band and being on tour and come at the subject from a fans point of view.

Has Rob Halford spent the last 50 years touring the world in a band? Yes. Has he toured the world from a fans point of view? Probably not. *

So, for good or for bad, here are my thoughts, experiences of touring, of following a band, of how and why we do it.

 

* The one thing I do know about our hero’s is that they were kids with a dream once too, and it doesn’t matter how big they become, they never really lose that fan mentality.

Go and listen to Jeff Lynne talk about being asked to phone Roy Orbison, only to then find himself in a band with Roy Orbison AND George Harrison. How does he even begin to try and process that?

Rob once said that he sometimes lies in bed after a gig thinking, was that really me on stage screaming my tits off… Well, yes Rob, it was, but guess what, you ain’t ever been in a band with Roy Orbison and George fucking Harrison…

Although, doing a duet with Dolly fucking Parton (no relation) is as mental as it gets, surly that must be up there with opening your bedroom curtains only to find a spaceship has landed on the lawn, with loads of Space Aliens waving at you while holding a tentacle full of Priest albums waiting to be signed.

The day you stop being a fan is the day you truly die.

Never stop being that kid full of hopes and dreams, if you do, you surrender your soul and your spirit.  

And the next time someone says to you, “Haven’t you grown out of that…” calmly tell them to FUCK OFF!

Right. I’m off on tour.

Smoke me a kipper, I’ll be back in time for Xmas.

 

Noggin xx