On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

HOTELS

 

BOOM! not in a drop the mic way, but BOOM! as in walking through a minefield way, because that’s what finding a hotel was like before someone invented the Interweb.

If you can’t remember before the Interweb, then no amount of words can adequately express just how difficult it was to find and book a hotel. If you can remember before the Interweb then you are either smiling, laughing, or crying over your memories.

I’ve spent hours and hours trying to think of a way to explain just how difficult it was to find and book a hotel before the Interweb and then it literally just dawned on me how to explain it to you.

Try it.

Try it. Wherever you are when you read these words, think of a town or city 100 miles away from you and then try to find and book a hotel on the first day of the next month without using the Interweb. I’ll bet you any amount of money you like that you can’t even begin to get your head around the concept of trying to do it never mind doing it. Get back to me, let me know how you got on.  

Hotels, the finding, and the booking of, is one of the few ways that the Interweb as truly benefitted mankind.  

In a weird way, finding a hotel is one of the few times on tour that you can be in complete control of what happens to you. You are no longer roughing it, or gambling on B&B’s, or an independent guest house, to be honest, there were times I’d wished I was roughing it… 

IBIS Hotels were the first hotel chain I eventually stumbled into that had the 15 minutes we’ll fix or sort it rule, which basically meant, that after checking in you had 15 minutes to inform them of any issues with your room and they would either fix it or sort it. It was basically like a fast food restaurant, you knew exactly what you were getting because every hotel room was identical, no matter where you were in Europe. Afterall, I don’t need a home from home I need a hotel.

Travelodge and Premier Inn followed albeit slowly. Those three hotel chains have been my sanctuary for many years now, but before that it really was a minefield.

And I haven’t even mentioned trying to find a hotel with a car park. Who knew it could be so difficult.

The trade-off to that is this. The closer to a town or city centre the hotel is, then the less chance of the hotel having a car park of its own. In recent times hotels have set up deals with car parks to offer discounted parking, but these car parks are open to the public and it’s first come first served.

While getting a hotel further away from the town or city centre may raise the chance of the hotel having its own car park, but you then find yourself having to travel into the town or city centre on public transport or getting a taxi or walking to and from the gig.

What is it they say, Location, location, Location…

Hotels, car parking (or lack of), public transport, taxi’s, walking, do you see how quick those small issues rapidly lead you into a world of hurt and it becomes a massive drain on your finances in ways you can’t even begin to understand until it starts happening. It’s just like opening your front door and finding a water leak. You need to find that leak and stop it and stop it instantly.

Before I discovered those soft fluffy beds with their hot power showers. I’ve roughed it in towns and cities all over the UK. In the summer, in the winter, in bus stations, in coach stations, in train stations, on street corners.

I’ve had people try to mug me, rob me, rape me (I kid you not) I’ve had a gun pulled on me and yet I’m writing to you now and they are not and that’s all you need to know that subject. I’ve even had people offer me food and money thinking that I was homeless.

I’ve been befriended by hookers. I soon discovered that roughing where hookers worked meant safety in numbers, and hookers, are without doubt, some of the most humble, honest, genuine, creatures to walk the face of this planet (and streets) and I’ve still never met a hooker that wanted or needed to be rescued.

We are all prostitutes, it’s just some of us are more honest about it.

I’ve met some amazing people, genuine characters, “Have you seen Jimmy?” junkies, smack heads, military personal going home on leave, the list goes on. I’ve jumped sleeper trains with Bruce Dickinson, and I’ve blagged a lift on Living Colour’s tour bus. I’ve broken into a train in Aberdeen because I was so cold only to wake up as the train was leaving New Street Station – true story that. *

I haven’t always had money.

I’ve paid my dues.

Now I pay hotel bills.

 

* Everything Billy Connolly said about Aberdeen is true.

 

Noggin xx