On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

STOP PRESS

 

ILLNESS

 

Illness. Oh yes, illness, the one subject I forgot to mention. Illness the one single luxury that we all take for granted.

How so? I hear you thinking… Well let me tell you how. When you get sick, you take time off from work, and you go home, you go to bed, you rest, the world outside simply goes away. That is the luxury that you and I take for granted.

Never underestimate the luxury of going home to get better.  

That luxury simply does not exist when you’re on the road. Whether you are in a band, or in the crew, or fan following a band, the show simply must go on.

“The show must go on” isn’t just a throw away phrase. When you took time off from work and went home to rest, someone took your place, right. Well, who takes the place of the band member? Who takes the place of the crew member? And from the fan perspective, whether you are there or not, the gig will always go on. Just because you’re on the road and you get sick does not mean the rest of the world gets paused so you can get better.

“The show must go on” is believed to originate from the Circus industry, and that’s what a Rock n’ Roll tour is, it is a circus, a never ending, never pausing performance, that rolls on to the next venue, then the next, then the next. It’s just like a glacier slowly moving down a valley, it simply never stops. It doesn’t matter how sick you get, the show goes on, the circus rolls into the next town or city, the glacier continues to slide down the valley and if you need to evacuate fluid from your body then you find a toilet or a bucket or a window and you do whatever it is you have to do. 

And of course, a Doctor with access to drugs is always big help.

Let me very quickly tell you two of my stories.

 

Germany 2019

Before Covid-19 took my job away, I was working in events driving around Europe and literally living the dream.

I was working on an event in Germany, in the grounds of a castle, and everything was going great, until the Thursday evening when I basically woke up dead in the back of my truck. The next thing I know I’ve got paramedics putting a drip into my arm in what can only be described as a make shift field hospital medical tent type thing. Think Pre-Op in M*A*S*H. I was diagnosed with food poisoning and heat exhaustion.

The night passed and the following day we continued with the load out until I became ill again. This time I ended up in a German hospital and instead of a basic drip into my arm I’m now being pumped full of liquid morphine. It wasn’t just food poisoning and heat exhaustion. Still, I’ve had worse Friday nights.

The night passed, the crew loaded the truck, and on the Saturday morning I discharged myself from hospital. With no opiates in my blood, I was safe and legal to drive.

I then had to get a taxi back to my truck. Complete my truck checks and then drive from the middle German back to Somerset for a Monday load in at 09.00  

I arrived in Somerset late on Sunday evening.

I was the only driver on that job, the show did go on, it had too, and ironically enough, I have video footage of the ambulance arriving as Queen’s, The Show Must Go is playing in the back ground. Don’t believe me? Go and look at my Facefuck page, it’s all there. What you need to understand is this, lots of people kept me alive that weekend, literally. Lots of people took part in that event. Lots of money was raised for charity. Lots of people did lots of unsung work. The show went on and so did I. There was and never will be a pause button.

The following year, almost to the day, it happened again, but that’s another story for another day.

 

Wolfsbane UK Tour 2023

The blogs you have been reading were written in the spring of 2023 and they just sat there, waiting to be posted on the Wolfsbane tour of Nov/Dec 2023. It was my intention to post one blog on each of the nights and that’s what I did, except for this one. This one was written today, 31^st December 2023, because today is the first day I’ve finally been well enough to put down my thoughts.

It wasn’t until I became ill that I realised I needed to write about being ill.

About four to six weeks before the Wolfsbane tour started I caught a cold, it lasted a week and I thought nothing of it, especially as it disappeared so quickly. Less than a week later and the cold returned, but this time it came back full armed.

I was a mess. I was in trouble. This wasn’t just a cold, and I knew it. If I wasn’t careful I was going to end up in hospital. I was running out of time and I knew that too.

I was going to work rattling because of the amount of pills I was taking. Like a fully functioning alcoholic all the drugs did for me was to leave me numb, pain free, a shell of a human being, and as long as I was legal to do my job, I was winning, right.

The tour was due to start on Friday 24^th Nov. On Tuesday 21^st I was told not to come back to work and to take time off because I was so ill. I relented and followed orders. I spent two days in bed basically unconscious.

In my weaker moments I gave genuine thoughts to pulling the tour, the tour I’d spent all year planning and looking forward to.

The opening night arrived and so did I, drugged off my tits, and that’s how I spent the whole tour, drugged off my tits. I took every legal drug I could and I doubled the dose when needed and sometimes more. Whatever it took to get me through the days and then the nights I did. If the virus wasn’t going to kill me then organ failure might, but I’ll worry about that later.

I thought Norwich was going to be the lowest point of the tour for me because of the pain I was in. I was wrong. By the time I got to Blackpool on the last but one night, I was numb, I was literally dead on my feet, it was only the numbness that stopped me from constantly bursting into tears. I was an emotional and physical wreck. I knew people were concerned and few people took me to one side and genuinely asked me if there was anything they could do. It just made me want to burst into tears even more.

I’m not proud to admit that I almost pulled the last night of the tour in London. But I did get there. But at London I just couldn’t hold it in anymore and I did have my moments of bursting into tears. That release. The relief of not quitting.

I didn’t quit. I completed the tour. I’d pay for it later. And I have.

As a side note. All the time I was feeling sorry for myself, I saw Jase going on stage every night, sometimes in a wheel chair and playing with that big daft smile on his face, like he’s always done, except this time he has cancer. Danger really is playing with crippling arthritis. While Blaze had a heart attack and quadruple bypass. If they weren’t going to quit the tour, then neither was I.

My own self-pity left me feeling more numb than the drugs did. I felt a fraud.

 

So, do you really still think I’m “Lucky”? Then go through what I went through and then we’ll swap our experiences over a drink or two.

So, do you really still want to be in a band? Then go through what Wolfsbane are going through or you can tell them about how you were in a band at high school.

“They want to get there, but they don’t want to pay for the ride…” *

So, you want to have these adventures? Then what are you prepared to go through to experience them? Me? I volunteered.

 

* Wolfsbane, “Broken Doll” from the album “Down Fall The Good Guys” (1991) 

 

Thank you Denver.

And good night.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

EPILOGUE

 

What have we learnt? If we have learnt anything at all. Also, please note the word we. I guess we can say that we have learnt two things, two things that personally I learnt many years ago.

Firstly, chase your dreams and secondly, live and let live.

Sounds simple right? Then I’d like to ask you two questions. Have you given up on your dreams and do you really live and let live?

If your dreams really are your dreams, then are you still chasing them? If not, then why not? They are your dreams right? If you don’t chase your dreams then someone else will, and ultimately, they will end up living your dream, well if it’s your dream why should someone else live that dream. No, really, why should someone else end up living your dream? And if you did stop chasing your dream? Were they really your dreams in the first place?

But if you’re still chasing your dreams, then may you soon be holding them like a new born infant.

Learn to look around you, once you have mastered the art of looking, then learn to see and not just look. Anyone can look while very few people see. See the difference in other people lives, in their passions, in their dreams.

Everything about the next person you look at is telling you something intimate about themselves if only you take the time to see. Witness their footwear, their clothes, their hair, the way they stand or walk or sit. Take time to properly look. To see.

Those people are just like me or you, they too are chasing a dream, they too are desperately holding on to something that is fading in front of them, that is always somehow, someway, always just out of reach. Or maybe they are about to give up the chase and let the flame die in the breeze. 

So next time you see someone wearing a tour T Shirt or even better an event T Shirt, try to understand that that T Shirt is being worn with as much pride and honour as a veteran wearing medal ribbons on a proud chest. I understand that might sound disrespectful to veterans but it really isn’t all.

In exactly the same way that if I was to visit you at home, after you have returned from your holiday to that far flung place, I might find, “little bits of glassware, ashtrays with inscriptions, plastic things on pencils, bits of mass production, postcards, pretty pictures, little bits of plastic, covering up the bedroom…”  to show me you been there. *

Which is just a complicated way of saying what is good for you isn’t necessarily good for me, or to put it another way, live and let live.

 

* Soft Cell, “Memorabilia” from the album “Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret” (1981) 

 

Noggin xx

 

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

COME DOWN

 

Oh Yes! The end of tour come down.

It either takes forever to come down because you are still buzzing your tits off, or it hits you like a snowball being thrown against the side of a passing bus.

Whichever way it arrives, when it does, it hits you so hard, and nothing can prepare you for it, it doesn’t matter how many times you go through it, when it arrives, it arrives. It is literally like a death or being dumped. Fine, your girlfriend’s fitter younger sister was a better shag anyway. I’ll find another band to follow.

Weirdly, you are partially relieved that it is finally all over, because basically she is a psycho bitch from hell and you deserve to be treated better, and really there is always a fitter younger sister out there somewhere.

Yet conversely, you are completely destroyed, because for all of her issues, those issues are what made you fall in love her in the first place, and her absence plunges you into a world of emptiness, darkness, loneliness, and you crave her ways you don’t understand and you’d do anything to have her back in your life reliving those wonderful times, those perfect memories.

Oh yes, those wonderful times, those perfect memories, where even the worst of times leave you with the best memories, the best stories to tell, “That gig was supposed to suck,” while the best of times gently places the largest cherry, on the largest cake of life, and you would do anything and everything to relive those moments again and again and again. *

And that is why I do it.

I love cake.

 

* Hearts & Hand Grenades, Molly Karloff, SoulSwitch, Subside Bar, Birmingham, if you know you know.

 

Noggin xx

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

BACKSTAGE

 

Remember The Wizard of Oz? Remember the scene at the end when Dorothy pulls back the curtain? Remember what she found? And you still think that being backstage is the place to be?

Let’s nail this myth once and for all, just like The Wizard of Oz, being backstage is all smoke and mirrors, you pull back the curtain and what do find, well actually, two things.

Firstly, band and crew trying to do what they do on the road which is get ready for the gig. Whether it be psyching themselves up to go on stage and get over their anxiety and stage fright, while the crew check and then double check anything and everything before checking it all again and again and again.

Secondly, the band and crew are basically trying to live a normal life while working in a completely alien environment. Just like I mentioned in “Days Off,” doing the simple things like catching up on e-mails, voice mails, face timing family, friends, zoom meetings, or sleeping.

Think about it, think about all the normal things that you and I take for granted that bands and crew surrender to live that dream.

Birth, child’s first words, child’s first steps, first day at school, graduation, school holidays, birthdays, Christmas, first broken heart, engagement parties, weddings, divorces, deaths, funerals, the list is basically endless and the band and crew miss it all.

Even silly things like going to the pub with your mates on the weekend, going to the football, cinema, watching the latest thing on TV, see how easy it is to take what we have and do for granted. If you think it’s easy to give these things up then get in a band or get in a road crew.

So, unless you are in a band and you can hold a conversation with a fellow musician about whatever it is musicians talk about, or you are road crew and you can hold a conversation about Flux Capacitors or whatever it is road crew talk about, why in God’s name would you want to be backstage.

Saying “Backstage” in conversation is basically a wanker’s way of saying you have meet the band or you are going to meet the band. So why not simply say that you have meet the band or you are going to meet the band. Don’t be a wanker about it.

Front of house is the place to be, that’s where all the action is. Get up the bar and get meeting and greeting. Get to the merch’ table and get meeting and greeting and while you’re there buy a T Shirt and CD too, then ask the band to sign it, thus meeting them. You can get the screen on your phone signed too. FFS!

As a footnote, the smaller the venue you see a band in the less chance that there is even a backstage area anyway, so the band will be stood at the bar or merch’ table meeting and greeting. Think about it. Backstage at Wembley is massive while backstage down the Dog and Duck doesn’t exist.

 

Noggin xx

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

SET LIST

 

“Spoilers” Fuck off you cunt.

Don’t get me started on these wankers. Easily up there with Paedophiles and Nazi’s are those people who insist on telling you “I don’t want to know the set list” or something similar.

How do you know someone is a Vegan? Oh, they’ll tell you… Don’t worry about that.

How quickly we have forgotten that KERRANG! and Metal Hammer would review bands on tour and print the set list, or would review the songs played, or would print a photo of the set list. How did these people survive then? How did they even look at a copy of said magazines? You couldn’t avoid the live reviews if you tried.

You know something, I’m about to slap the face a lot of people who I’m friends with, GOOD! I know people who will follow a band all over the UK and Europe and the rest of the world, for example, they will see Iron Maiden 20, 30, 40, 50 times on a tour, and they will still insist on shouting “Spoilers” at every opportunity.

What is wrong with these people? Are they really so preoccupied with their own self-worth, to not grasp that it isn’t about them. They run around screaming “Spoilers” because they don’t want to know the set list because it will spoil the gig for them. I don’t have a problem with that logic perse, what I have a problem with is this. They will go on to see Iron Maiden many times on the same tour, night after night after night, well guess what, the set list NEVER changes, so when you see Iron Maiden on the second night, has your gig been ruined? What about gig number 3 or 4 or 5 have those gigs been ruined for you too?

No. They have not been ruined, you have managed to turn someone else’s tour into it all being about you. Well, fuck you and fuck your ego.

Do you never listen to an album again because you know which order the tracks are in?

Do you remove the labels from all the tins of food in your kitchen cupboards because you don’t want to know what is in the tin?

Do you book a holiday to a far-flung destination and then not go because you already known the destination?

Do you never read Agatha Christie because the butler did it the kitchen with the lead pipe? (Frankly, I’d be more interested in reading a book where the Butler did it in the kitchen with the Maid, whipped cream, and sex toys… but I guess that’s just me).

And oh, if by any chance you’ve just started to read the Bible, let me save you a lot of time. The Devil did it. *

Making it all about you is no more than self-promotion, and you know what self-promotion is don’t you, masturbation. But let’s be honest, that’s exactly what you are, a wanker.

As a side note. When did bands start selling their set lists? SELLING!? What the fuck is that about? You are selling a piece of paper with some song titles written on it with a sharpie.

If you are in a band and you are selling your set list… You are scum. You are beyond scum. You are Super Scum. You should walk on stage wearing a cape such is your level of Super Scum-ness (I just made up a word). And we should be allowed by law to walk on stage and beat you to death with your own instruments. You just need to die.

 

* Speaking of the Bible, my Doctor and the NHS in general are constantly telling me that “Five A Day” and eating more fresh fruit is good for me. Worked out well for Adam and Eve didn’t it.

Just saying like.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

MERCHANDISE

 

Is there anything better or more important than a button badge? Go on, admit it, you weren’t expecting to read that were you.

I’m going suggest to you that wherever you are when you read this, that the first piece of merchandise you ever owned or wore was a button badge. The single white T Shirt, or the Coco Chanel little black dress, or the black leather biker jacket, just like those one offs of classic fashion design, the button badge is up there with the best.

But let’s be honest, if I mention merchandise, you like everyone else will instantly think of T Shirts and tour T Shirts. The money makers money maker and haven’t we all suckled on its billion pound nipple for years.

Personally, I have three double wardrobes bursting at the hinges full of T Shirts, going back over 40 years.

In recent times I’ve met someone who is younger than me, when she told me her birthday, I thought, that rings a bell, yeah, you guessed it, I was at a gig that night and I’ve got the tour shirt to prove it. Funny as fuck. My moral compass kicked in and we are just friends. Shame really because she is fit as fuck. Moving on.

I love the idea of a band T Shirt, it’s a marker, a uniform, a call to arms, a membership card, a friend walking towards you that thinks and feels the same way as you do, about the same band, it’s also a great conversation starter, the ultimate ice breaker, “Nice shirt mate”, “Cheers mate”, and you’re off and running.

Tour shirts and Event shirts are the ultimate, they are best of the best, if Carlsberg did band T Shirts (now that’s the power of advertising).

When it comes to buying tour T Shirts, it is a straight race to who can get their hands on a tour shirt first and wear it to the next gig first, or down the pub first. It is nothing but pure ego, don’t let me or anyone else try to tell you differently, it is pure bragging rights.

It really is about who can piss up the wall the highest.

Long live button badges and T Shirts and the emotions that they awaken with us all.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

SUPPORT BANDS

 

Support bands can either make or break a tour, especially if you are doing multiple nights. Basically, support bands fall into two categories, good and bad, or should I say, support bands you either like or dislike.

Obviously, if you like the support band then you are onto a winner, if however, you don’t, you are doomed!

For all the people that don’t understand the importance of what I’ve just written it works like this.

You are following a band, a circus, those travelling minstrels that bring you joy and happiness and make you go all tingly in your special place. The whole point of your day is show time. It really doesn’t matter what time you wake up in bed (in fact just waking up in a bed is sometimes the highlight of the day). It doesn’t matter where you go during the day or what you get up to, or with whom. Literally everything you do from the moment you open your eyes is leading you to show time.

Now, you can be having the worse day, EVER (best Taylor Swift voice) but it doesn’t matter, because come show time, everything is going to be good with the world, because you are seeing that band, your band, the band that makes you go all tingly in your special place (and I don’t mean the pub).

From the moment you wake, your day falls into one of two paths.

Path 1. Your day, support band you dislike, headline band.

Path 2. Your day, support band you like, headline band.

It really doesn’t matter if your day has been good or bad, what matters is what happens 90 minutes before showtime. You can be having the best day you have ever had in your entire life, better than doing your girlfriends fitter younger sister and getting away with it, but if you dislike that support band, you are in for at least 45 minutes of misery, which gets worse if you want to go down the front to see the headline band, because you can’t just hide in the bar while the support band are on, and what makes it worse, is while you are doing you girlfriends fitter younger sister and getting away with it, is the knowledge, that you are going to have to suffer that 45 minutes misery. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away…

And that is why support bands are so important, if you’ve got a support band that you don’t like, you’ve got a 45 minute wall of misery coming your way, every day, and there is nothing that you can do about it. 

Conversely if you like the support band, the whole tour gets lifted to a whole new level of joy and excitement. Nothing you experience on that tour could be further away from Path 1. Everything on that tour seems to raise itself to a level you find hard to understand, to grasp, to the point where alcohol and drugs don’t add to the experience, they detract from it.

Having a support band, you like on tour leaves you buzzing your tits off 24 hours a day, you are properly fizzing all day, while having a support band you dislike is like finding a shadow on your X-Ray.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

E TICKETS, REAL TICKETS, & GUEST LIST

 

E Tickets are work of the Devil. I hate them They are evil in its purest form. If you disagree (and you are welcome too because we live in a free country) you are wrong. Stop with your internal dialogue, you are wrong and you simply need to accept it and move on.

Why are you paying for a Booking Fee? When it’s you that does the booking.

Why are you paying for P&P? When it is sent to your phone or e mail address.

It is maximising profit for the sake of it, we all need to make a profit, but there is taking the piss and then there is taking the piss and E Tickets are the later.

What are you going to do when you bump into the band, ask them to sign the screen on your phone?

Real Tickets, Paper Tickets, have worked for thousands of years, why change it now, well, apart from maximising profit that is.

A real ticket is a document, it is something real, something you can touch, hold in your hand, place in a memory book, photo album, place on your bedroom wall, it is something you can get signed by the band if you bump into them, something that actually adds value to whole experience of going to the gig. Everything a real ticket is, an E Ticket is not. It really is that simple.

Something else you can do with a real ticket, is to give them as a gift in a card. Try doing that with an E Ticket. It’s just like putting money into a card or opening a card to find money inside, it is something so very real, how can a small piece of paper have such an effect, how can a small piece of paper show to someone how much you care, yet it does. Is the reality starting to sink in yet? We’ve all been conned. Shit isn’t it.

Who would want a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket? Give me a gig ticket any day.

Guess what I’m now being offered? I’m now being offered commemorative concert tickets (at an extra cost). What the fuck is all of that about? Apart from maximising profit. FUCK OFF! No, I don’t want a commemorative ticket, I want the ticket I’ve paid an obscene amount of money for thank you very much. Is that too much to ask for, to actually receive the item I’ve paid for.

I now deliberately go out of my way to use ticket agencies that will send me a real ticket to the gig I want to attend. See Tickets and Ticket Scotland are always helpful. They will often send tickets straight away too instead of waiting months for them to be delivered. Why is that done? Can someone out there explain that one away.

I miss the good old days of going to a box office and speaking to a human being. I thought the interweb was supposed to make things better.

E Tickets have also made it easier to be ripped off by Secondary Ticket Sites. They are not Ticket Touts. Ticket touts are people who stand outside venues in whatever the weather throws at them shouting “Buy or sell.” They are providing a service, and just for the record, I have NEVER been ripped off by a ticket tout, I have NEVER paid more than the face value of the ticket either. I’ve had ticket touts show me the difference between a real ticket and a counterfeit ticket, sometimes I’ve even been given tickets by ticket touts.

I love ticket touts and just for the record, when you walk away from a ticket tout, whether you have done business with them or not, always leave them with the words “Be lucky.”

Those secondary ticket sites however are evil in its purest form, bringing shame and corruption to the name Ticket Touts, they sell E Tickets that you have no way of knowing if they even exist never mind if they real or not. They aren’t outside a venue in all weathers, knowing full well that if they sell you a dodgy ticket, you’ll be back ten minutes to give them a kicking, they can be anywhere on the planet selling to anyone on the planet, and it’s all being openly endorsed by the music industry is my observation.

Think about it.

How many people do you know that have been ripped off by a ticket tout outside a venue?

How many times are you going to read and hear stories about people selling and buying tickets online that are fake?

Now you tell me where the real problem lies. Now tell me why the music industry wants you to keep using those sites? Follow the money, isn’t that what we constantly hear in the movies?

As a side note to tickets, the other way to get into a gig is via the Guest List. Over the years I’ve been incredibly lucky to have gotten into gigs on the guest list, apart from the ego trip of saying “I was on the Guest List…”it actually saves you money on the ticket, but it isn’t free, someone somewhere has absorbed that cost. I’ve not always known that but I have always been very grateful that I saved a few quid, which whenever I could, I spent on merch.

There have also been times when people have offered me their “plus one,” sometimes I’ve never known them or meet them again. As the years went by, if I was ever given Guest List plus one, I would try to take a total stranger into the gig with me as my “plus one.”

As I’ve previously mentioned in Travel, it’s about passing on that debt, it’s about helping others chase their dream, I may never meet those people again, like I’ve never meet those who helped me, it is what they now call random acts of human kindness, and long may it continue.

I take great care and humility in remembering when times were difficult for me, it is important for me to never forget. May I always remember how it felt.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

DAYS OFF

 

Oh Yes! A day off. Isn’t it lovely. Why? Because a day off on tour is Laundry Day and what a wonderful day it is too.

Whether you are working a tour or whether you are following a band as a fan, there are times where everyone does the same thing, and normally it is the most mundane things, simple things like catching up on e-mails, voice mails, face timing family, friends, zoom meetings, sleeping or doing your laundry.  

These are basic needs, needs that we all take for granted in the real world, but do you know where you can find a laundrette in Glasgow? Paris? Tokyo? Ever tried to use a laundrette in a language that you can’t read?

Laundry Day is your Birthday Day + Xmas Day + doing your girlfriends fitter younger sister and getting away with it, all rolled into one. 

Sleeping, isn’t the waste of time you may think it is either. Sleeping gives you the chance to recharge those worn down batteries. You can drink yourself into a coma every night. You can get wasted on drugs every night. But an alcoholic drug induced coma is not the same as sleep, eventually you will die, lets be honest, none of us are going to cheat death, but I’d like to put off it’s arrival for as long as possible if you don’t mind.

So, sleep, good food, and lots of water, is a necessary evil of being on the road, that way the road is longer.

Also, a day off, just gives you the chance to slow everything down, to take a look around you, “to pause, no matter what I pretend, like some pilgrim who leans to transcend…” * 

It isn’t all mundane though, there are two sides to a coin, you may have mundane on one side of the coin, but on the other side is, culture, sightseeing, being a tourist, after all, isn’t that what you basically are, a traveller, seeing and visiting different places. Just as money is the greatest lubricant and motivator so travel is greatest educator, you will never get an education from any university, which compares to travel.

For example, I was in Madrid on tour a few years ago in November with a few hours free. So, I did the double decker bus tour, got my bearings, went Xmas shopping for my daughter, while wearing shorts and a T Shirt in 25c… and amongst other things, I learnt to say “Gracias” correctly. I’ve had worse days the office.

Days off do sometimes come with a twist, a sting in the tail. Going home. The temptation to, “just pop home” is a temptation you must avoid at all costs. At no point whatsoever must you go home. It simply kills the tour. It ruins the vibe. Let me come at it this way, in the middle of a two week holiday do you just pop back to check your mail? Well, do you?

It’s a bit like answering your phone in the middle of a shag, be honest, if you’re sitting on someone’s face or if someone is sucking your cock, are you really going to answer a knock at the door?

 

*RUSH, “Time Stand Still” from the album “Hold Your Fire” (1987)

 

Noggin xx

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

MONEY

 

Money, so they say, is the root of all evil today. *

Money, the ultimate lubricant.

Money, the greatest motivator known to mankind.  

Money, or more accurately, Disposable Income, is really what this all boils down to. Let’s stop being clever about this. The more disposable income you have the more adventures you can have, the more opportunities come your way, whether it being flying off to far-flung places or following a band around.

It is a very simple equation. The more disposable income you have, the more fun you can have.

So basically, what I am saying is what I’ve already said in the last two chapters. There really is nothing special about me. I’m not better than you. I’m not lucky. You don’t need to wish you were me. You spend your money your way and I will spend my money my way. I’m not a bigger fan than you. I just simply have more disposable income than I did this time last year, and what disposable income I have, I choose to spend differently to you.

It hasn’t always been that way. I didn’t start doing gigs until late on in my life, simply because I couldn’t afford it. Also in recent years, I’ve missed out on my favourite bands playing in my home town because I was penniless, literally broke.

Money may very well be the route to all evil but that’s because it smooths out the road before you. Maybe that’s why it is so easy to take the wrong road when fame and fortune finally finds you.

I’ve recently lost a relationship (you know, the one, the one I’d waited all those years to find, the one I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, yeah that one) because I was for all intents and purposes bankrupt.

Maybe somewhere one day I called Heads and it fell Tails. So much for be lucky. ** 

I just suddenly found myself in a world of hurt that was not of my desire or design. And once that first domino topples it is very difficult to stop the inevitable.

I’m just trying to prove that money is the ultimate lubricant, it helps make the most difficult of times into a smoother ride, and there is only so much turbulence that any relationship can continue to take before fatigue slowly erodes all strengths.

And yet here I am a few years along the road about to piss at least £1000 up the wall following a band around the UK. Strange how life works out isn’t.

Let me put it this way, if you had £1 Million in the bank, would you go on holiday to Great Yarmouth (nothing wrong with Great Yarmouth by the way) or would you fly off to far-flung places? It would be far-flung places every time, so why pretend otherwise.

So again, let me make this very clear, there is nothing special about me, I am not a bigger a fan than you, I’ve just got a little bit more disposable income than I had this time last year, and I’m choosing to spend it this way.

 

* Pink Floyd, “Money” from the album “Dark Side Of The Moon” (1973)

** Who knew it was possible to have so many regrets? Sometimes I think it’s worse than death.

 

Noggin xx

 

 

On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

LUCKY

 

One thing I constantly hear from people, especially fans, is how “lucky” I am to be seeing the band so many times. And you know something, it really pisses me off. How exactly am I lucky, which part of the previous chapter did no one read or understand.

I just want someone to explain to me in a way that I can easily understand, how I’m “lucky.”

Was I lucky when I missed the last tour? Was I lucky when I didn’t see a single gig on the last tour? What the hell does seeing a band or not seeing a band have to do with luck?

Calling Heads or Tails on the toss of a coin and getting it right is lucky.

It’s a straight 50/50 you either guess right or wrong. Don’t praise yourself if you guess correctly, don’t berate yourself if you guess wrong. It’s luck. Nothing more. Nothing less.

As we’ve already discussed in the previous chapter, you spend your money your way and I will spend my money my way. Let me come at this from a different direction. Are you lucky when you go to a far-flung place to lie on a beach and get sunburnt while ignoring the local culture? Or is it a well deserved holiday?

So why am I lucky when I see a band on tour?

Something else people say to me a lot is I wish I was you. Really? Why?

Did you feel the same when I missed every gig on the last tour because the band went on tour in December and I can’t get time off in December because all annual leave is cancelled so that you and your family can have Christmas, because guess what, it isn’t Santa that brings you and your family Christmas… Its people like me.

Did you feel the same when I was literally delivering around the corner from where the band were playing and I had to continue with my deliveries? True story that.

Do you see how easily and quickly we are repeating ourselves? How am I lucky? Why do you wish you were me?

What I’m doing is so far away from luck that you could hit it with a stick. I’m working every hour I can legally get away with to put food on my families table, while saving every last penny I can, while trying to financially help my daughter through university.

Fuck you and fuck your observation of me being “Lucky.” You have no idea what you are talking about.

 

Noggin xx