On Tour For DUMMIES

A Fans Guide To Being On Tour

 

SET LIST

 

“Spoilers” Fuck off you cunt.

Don’t get me started on these wankers. Easily up there with Paedophiles and Nazi’s are those people who insist on telling you “I don’t want to know the set list” or something similar.

How do you know someone is a Vegan? Oh, they’ll tell you… Don’t worry about that.

How quickly we have forgotten that KERRANG! and Metal Hammer would review bands on tour and print the set list, or would review the songs played, or would print a photo of the set list. How did these people survive then? How did they even look at a copy of said magazines? You couldn’t avoid the live reviews if you tried.

You know something, I’m about to slap the face a lot of people who I’m friends with, GOOD! I know people who will follow a band all over the UK and Europe and the rest of the world, for example, they will see Iron Maiden 20, 30, 40, 50 times on a tour, and they will still insist on shouting “Spoilers” at every opportunity.

What is wrong with these people? Are they really so preoccupied with their own self-worth, to not grasp that it isn’t about them. They run around screaming “Spoilers” because they don’t want to know the set list because it will spoil the gig for them. I don’t have a problem with that logic perse, what I have a problem with is this. They will go on to see Iron Maiden many times on the same tour, night after night after night, well guess what, the set list NEVER changes, so when you see Iron Maiden on the second night, has your gig been ruined? What about gig number 3 or 4 or 5 have those gigs been ruined for you too?

No. They have not been ruined, you have managed to turn someone else’s tour into it all being about you. Well, fuck you and fuck your ego.

Do you never listen to an album again because you know which order the tracks are in?

Do you remove the labels from all the tins of food in your kitchen cupboards because you don’t want to know what is in the tin?

Do you book a holiday to a far-flung destination and then not go because you already known the destination?

Do you never read Agatha Christie because the butler did it the kitchen with the lead pipe? (Frankly, I’d be more interested in reading a book where the Butler did it in the kitchen with the Maid, whipped cream, and sex toys… but I guess that’s just me).

And oh, if by any chance you’ve just started to read the Bible, let me save you a lot of time. The Devil did it. *

Making it all about you is no more than self-promotion, and you know what self-promotion is don’t you, masturbation. But let’s be honest, that’s exactly what you are, a wanker.

As a side note. When did bands start selling their set lists? SELLING!? What the fuck is that about? You are selling a piece of paper with some song titles written on it with a sharpie.

If you are in a band and you are selling your set list… You are scum. You are beyond scum. You are Super Scum. You should walk on stage wearing a cape such is your level of Super Scum-ness (I just made up a word). And we should be allowed by law to walk on stage and beat you to death with your own instruments. You just need to die.

 

* Speaking of the Bible, my Doctor and the NHS in general are constantly telling me that “Five A Day” and eating more fresh fruit is good for me. Worked out well for Adam and Eve didn’t it.

Just saying like.

 

Noggin xx